It's very hard not to slip all the way into her own head, and just sink entirely... but the direction change works. She lets out a heavy sigh.
"Heh... experiment... I guess you could call it that."
She mutters that, and there's a moment where it's completely random rambling about tests and experiments. But, she does finally come to a conclusion.
"The Necromancer... brought me back after there was... There's nothing for me! Not home, not here! Why even bother?! I'm just gonna keep fucking it all up, losing everyone, so... why not beat myself to the goddamn punch??"
"The thing is," Ashton starts, clasping their hands together, "I tried that. Because I was certain I was going to fuck it up anyway, and everyone needed to be reminded that I was a monster, and that they should cut their losses early; I was certain I could never graduate, and fuck them all for wasting their trust on me, I didn't deserve it. I'd just force everyone to give up on me before they could choose to do it on their own time."
She tips her head a fraction of an inch. "So for that, I killed four people. I stalked them for days to be sure they'd be easy to slaughter. Two of them let me into their cabins because they trusted the face I was wearing, and I killed them in their beds as they tried to help me. If John had been ten seconds later in stopping me than he was, I would've killed five.
And did it work? Take a wild guess." Given how close they are with John, with Sokie -- it's not a guess at all. Jinx has working eyes and ears and she's literate. She can draw the correct conclusion here.
"I'm a worse and far more unforgivable thing than you are, love," said with frankness, though the love is almost kind; unless Jinx has massacred cities and children for kicks she's a far better person than they are, "and it didn't work for me, either. All the people who care about you are going to see is that you're in a great deal of pain, and that makes them want to be there for you even more. Tough luck."
Maybe it would work if she'd shaped her social circle in a very different way, but she didn't. And if there's anyone it's completely impossible to chase away by being a nightmarish fuckup and trying to destroy the good things you have so nobody can take them away from you -- Ash fucking tried to make John consider them a lost cause. It would never have worked, no matter how hard they tried.
At no point do they look at her with any negative emotion in their eyes, nor really any positive one either. They just look at her with understanding.
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no subject
"Heh... experiment... I guess you could call it that."
She mutters that, and there's a moment where it's completely random rambling about tests and experiments. But, she does finally come to a conclusion.
"The Necromancer... brought me back after there was... There's nothing for me! Not home, not here! Why even bother?! I'm just gonna keep fucking it all up, losing everyone, so... why not beat myself to the goddamn punch??"
no subject
She tips her head a fraction of an inch. "So for that, I killed four people. I stalked them for days to be sure they'd be easy to slaughter. Two of them let me into their cabins because they trusted the face I was wearing, and I killed them in their beds as they tried to help me. If John had been ten seconds later in stopping me than he was, I would've killed five.
And did it work? Take a wild guess." Given how close they are with John, with Sokie -- it's not a guess at all. Jinx has working eyes and ears and she's literate. She can draw the correct conclusion here.
"I'm a worse and far more unforgivable thing than you are, love," said with frankness, though the love is almost kind; unless Jinx has massacred cities and children for kicks she's a far better person than they are, "and it didn't work for me, either. All the people who care about you are going to see is that you're in a great deal of pain, and that makes them want to be there for you even more. Tough luck."
Maybe it would work if she'd shaped her social circle in a very different way, but she didn't. And if there's anyone it's completely impossible to chase away by being a nightmarish fuckup and trying to destroy the good things you have so nobody can take them away from you -- Ash fucking tried to make John consider them a lost cause. It would never have worked, no matter how hard they tried.
At no point do they look at her with any negative emotion in their eyes, nor really any positive one either. They just look at her with understanding.